Letters to the Editor
I am an Artist who wishes to have my Art published. Attached are three of my works. As is obvious I have been busy with the photographic medium and have perfected the "photo-montage" technique which is French for getting lots of different snaps of different things but this loses much of the idea (or "concept") in translation. Nous (or we) are happy to be part of your magazine (is it a mag or a zine?). I am also into pirates, big time.
Bir Dost, Artist
What is your mailing address? I have an enormous portfolio of Art which I have decided to share with the rest of the world. I have also decided to allow you, Zebrameat, to be my sole artistic agent, at least for now. Attached are just three of the works in my oeuvre. Despite your failure to immediately respond to my email of yesterday I remain patient, but be advised once irritated I am like a coiled panther ready to spring!
I remain, B. Dost, Artist
I forgot to attach the last picture. It is entitled "Herman and Kathleen." The previously mailed works are entitled: "Dial 911 and Die" and "The Watchman's X and son x2". None of these works have ever been published before so you are lucky to get them. Can you tell me how much is my salary? Will I have to move or can we continue to work "over the web" as it is called.
By the way, did you know that I am working on pullies? This is a very interesting subject. Should I write an article on this? I envision something with a catchy title like "The Ups & Downs of Pullies". I could also shoot a photo montage, as we photographic artists call it; our works are not just snapshots, but really as much works of Art as a painting (I know: see Dial 911) or poetry (see also my poem "Because" with commentary).
I write literary criticism and I can also do movie reviews. Unresolved x-file-like ending of this Chinese movie left me hungry for answers (and food!) and never hits bottom although no car chase or cleveage is shown. The ample thighs of the East although lacking here is ... well you get the ideas. I am a real wordsmith and have a highly improved vocab(ulary). I know you can dig it. Maybe I should send you my novel manuscipts, but you will have to cover the postage as it is really heavy (and heavy in content too, dig?). Looking forward to your checks.
I am, Bir Dost.
p.s. Please do not use my name as there are people looking for me.
Above are the letters I sent you before. Perhaps they got lost in cyberspace. So just in case here they are again. I am waiting for your answer as I need money right away. Please send the check today before five o'clock. I know you will like working with me as much as the others did. Thanks again from one artist to another. (I could tell you must be a artist from the way you write and the design "thing". ) We Art crowd have to be careful. Not everyone understands us and they look askance at our Success and Fame. Anyways, get to work and send me the money. Please, please, be careful with using my name as there are some very angry people looking for me. OK?
I am, as always, B. Dost.
p.s. Are you a man or a woman? Letters to Zebrameat, all ignored!!! Why??????
You have violated many proprietary rights including but not limited to my rights of privacy and publicity and intellectual property ownership rights. These violations have resulted in significant damages both to me and my works and are interfering with my agreements with my licensees. Furthermore, your use of my material has created a false impression that I endorse or am connected with your web-site which is misleading and deceptive to the public. Attached herewith is verification of my claim. Unless you immediately remove all infringing material from your web-site and provide me with written assurances that all such infringing use has stopped and will not resume in the future, I will have no alternative but to take appropriate action to protect my rights. I require receipt of such written assurance from you by no later than tomorrow midnight. I specifically reserve any and all rights and remedies with respect to your unauthorized use of my material.'
Sincerely, Mr. Bir Dost
With a combination of flexible rope or cable and pullies which are commonly used to augment pulling force, my invention (gizmo) can be used to lift heavy weights or to exert large forces in any direction. My device has four freely rotating pullies, two on the upper block, which remains fixed and two on the lower block which moves up as the load is lifted. One end of the rope is anchored to the upper block. When the load is lifted one foot, each of the four rope links will shorten by one foot so that four feet of rope must be pulled off by the effort. Consequently the force magnification and the mechanical advantage neglecting friction is 4. Higher force ratios will be obtained by the use of more pullies but this advantage may be offset by increased friction. I am experimenting with lubricants now. What do you think? Can I come over to your office for a demonstration? With this it is possible to lift anything. Think of the possibilities! Thank you.
I am Dost the Inventor.
I have to assume you are very busy. I have not heard from you. I thought I should drop you a note about my work and the fantastic progress I making with everything on all fronts. Attached is a photo of my latest creation & this time I am .... can you groc this???.... a fashion designer: look out Milan, Paris & New York, my fashion line is going to burn up the old catwalk. First, I am happy to permit you and your magazine (is it a zine or a mag?) exclusive coverage of my Fall Line. The 2002 collection opens with the attached photo (at present sans model). This perky beach & bar belt is for both men and women of all ages who want to stand out of the crowd as forever vivid and forever young. It comes in different colors and sizes. I have a few ideas who will model this but don't you have peeps in NYC who know models? I have to get back to my salon.
Chow for Now,
Sr. Biraci Dostini
Please disregard the letter allegedly from my attorney persona. The less said about him the better. I am delighted to part of your staff and look forward to working with you sensitive guys. Your generous compensation package will really help out. I think you forgot to ask for my bio. I can't allow this to be published as I think I have already mentioned that there is a guy looking for me and I am afraid he might find me if I tell my story which is very interesting as I am a renaissance man and bon vivant as the French say. As you probably have guessed I have a European background and am familiar with all things continental.
At this point in our professional relationship I think it is important that we sketch out some parameters. This is I have found always helpful and will avoid misunderstandings in the future. I have discovered that sometimes others can find my creative elan irritating and they get jealous of my command of language and other stuff. Hence I have prepared the following guidelines:
1. I shall always remain anonymous except on the checks you send me.
2. You can never refer to me by my real name. From now on (except on checks) I will be known as Mr. X or some other nom de plume you can select.
3. Although you can give me assignments, I believe just the few examples I have sent you in the previous 48 hours gives a real indication of the breadth of my interests which are broad and eclectic. Why don't we just stay with our current relationship which has worked out so well.
4. I always work alone and do not like my stuff edited so lay off that delete button. Others have tried to keep my prose off their pages and all have rued the day they presumed to know better than I what I meant to say.
That's it in 4 easy steps. I am printing this out now so we don't get confused later. Incidently, I didn't see any contract yet from you yet. I am a very trusting fellow but don't you usually send a contract to your staff? I as I mentioned previously mentioned I don't need an office at your office as I like where I live now. Is this ok? Please tell the whole z-gang that I will meet them in person at the office christmas party. Now let's get down to nuts and bolts.
I have written a novel about pirates. When can we devote an entire issue to my book? This will be great. We could have a big pirate brandishing a big knife in his teeth and a big title: PIRATE! or Special Pirate Issue! I evision a yellow beach, palm trees (with treasure chest filled with shining treasure in the shade), and a pirate with a beard, scar, eye patch, parrot, boots with buckles, red coat with silver buttons, a bandana, pistols, earring, sash, sword and a ship at anchor with the jolly rodger on a deep purple sea.This is a really great idea. The rolling Spanish Main, cannons belching smoke, and buckets of blood. One of my characters is a mute so I have cleverly solved his dialogue parts by allowing you to share his thoughts directly. To my knowledge this has never been done before (except in movies). I was going to make him deaf but how could he hear the other side of the conversations especially because many pirates have thick beards and bad teeth and this would make lip reading impossible?
As you can see I have a real eye for details and authenticity. I have collected a huge file of pirate images which inspire me. Can I ftp them to you? Actually direct access to your computer is a great idea for me to send you my great ideas. Send me how to do this. I promise not to delete your hard drive. (ha ha). Well I know you must want to know more, but I have a lot of work to get going and as you know I have no assistant and I have to do everything myself. Tonight I am going to concentrate on my pullies, photo essays, movie reviews, poems, and critical essays with scholarly apparatus, and fashion line. When is the deadline? I dont want to be late. Can you tell your accounting office to put a rush on my advance? I could really use the money right now. If you have already fed-xd the check never mind but I really hope you sent the money yesterday. Well that's all for now unless I get another great idea.
I am as always, Bir Dost
p.s. In France breakfast is just a piece of bread and a very small cup of coffee. That's it! No eggs. No cereal. No juice. It's known as a "Continental Breakfast". I know a lot of stuff like this which could go at the end of articles just like in the New Yorker Magazine. And guess what? I DRAW CARTOONS. I will send you some tomorrow. Do you like animals that talk? I also do the ones that make you think. I have one in mind that just popped in my mind (now you will see how my mind works). OK. There's a monkey in a tree hanging from a branch. Below him is another monkey with an organ grinder and an obviously Italian man with a chain around his neck (irony). The monkey in the tree says......"Hey Tony, where did you get the Italian?" And the other monkey (Tony) says...."Hey tree, where did you get the monkey?" I have a zillion other ideas just as good. I will do some sketches as I promised before. I am really hot today. The creative artist in me is boiling out of my pores. Well, that's it for today as I said I got to get to work.
Boy oh boy have I been cooking up great ideas. I must have a thousand a microwave. Anyways, I was thinking, as you have so much money and I have so little, why not exchange my ideas for your cash? This is a win-win thing as I know your ideas are small and mine big. Can you forward this email to the NY guy and the last mss, so we are all on the samewavelength? Cool. Now let's chat.
I am in need of pullies, as many as you can get me. Please send them NOW as my experiments are not working out as expected. I can only hang upside down for so long and then I feel funny. This is no joke. I have no time to draw the cartoons or the other stuff. It is hard to write stuff. I have to think. Ouch. OK? You are really pissing me off. My dark side could come visit. Where do you live? Do you have dogs? They smell in the rainy season. I used to live in India. Can I be your friend? I reman, Mr. X or whatever. Did you know that the Monsoons are water borne rainy systems? I like your mag or zine. Can I be a correspondent like Wolf Biltzter or the Annapoura chick? I am not a woman inside too.
Your pal, Dost
p.s. I ghave to get some sleep
Dear Mister Zee:
Thank you for your message. Please do NOT use my name again but let's go with yours etc. etc. etc. etc.
Theodor de Bry's America (1592) copperplates show a surprising similarity to mine but they are different. If you want to make them even more different this may solve things even more.
My doctors say I have to accept that publishers will not publish every unsolicited submission and may even change them or even steal them. OK.
My photoshop is in the shop so you will have to do the caption thing yourself if this is in your own digital toolkit. The guy with the beard should say: "Hey! Seriously, has anybody seen Bob?" My pulley thing is going well and I have ideas for the "Quick, nobody is looking" (QNIL) thing which may involve the laws of physics and ropes. Standby. "Don't go tying your self into knots!" as the sailors say. I have sent you many of my latest ideas and creations and assume you like my corpus. I am, if nothing, prolific. I will begin to concentrate on the "QNIL" thing as soon as I get unencumbered from a series of situations if you know what I mean.
I think I may have indicated in passing, some curiosity about the salary, advance, and expense account. We artists tend to neglect the more mundane details of our prosaic daily life, so I expect it slipped your mind to give the Zebrameat Payroll Department folks a tinkle and have them send me the check I need right away. Thanks.
By the way, are you interested in Prison Novels? A friend of mine wrote one, entitled: Bars, Cold Showers and Swill and I think I know where the manuscript is stored carefully in the attic. It is autobiographical and very good.
I am forced now at this juncture to close this letter so there it is, I remain, my colleague and fellow creative fellow,