I Know What my People are Thinking Tonight:
A Survey of the Thoughts Recorded at 10:37:52 PM (Eastern Standard Time),
January 22, 2001, in the Zip Code 10458, Bronx, New York

(The results may not add up to 100%. It’s not our fault. We know what’s going on. Results have been measured by weight, not volume, and people can think of more than one thing in one second, and of more than one thing at once. The problem is that the results have been subjected to the witch-doctoring of our overpaid statisticians, who we only keep around thanks to the legal department’s antiquated concern with the meddling of those fossilized ACLU bastards. We think that they’re really conspiring to keep their jobs, like those guys who show up to fix something in your house, and end up breaking two other things that can only be repaired by their union brethren, who will, in turn, break something else, twice, not flush the toilet, and leave cigarette butts in the sink, etc.)


This is a slow porn download: 8.76%

They think I’m stupid at work: 0.052%

She is fat: 2.215%

This costs too much: 37.93%

Is this a middle or passive form of [a given Greek verb]?: 0.00001%

A cabin near a lake nearly black with rotting vegetation in Guyana: 0.003%

Is that car going to stop at the sign/light?: 19.78%

Mold concerns: 8.53%

Where’s the garbage can? I’d like to dispose of this in a responsible manner: 0.92%

Did he/she really say that?: 8.07%

Those Dominicans upstairs never shut up: 5.53%

I like the shirt: 2.07%

Let me repeat what I last said, only louder: 37.49%

Why don’t they listen to their mother? 2.79%

It’s not really his/her fault: 5.13%

This CD was a terrible choice, but I still love Jesus, anyway: 0.076%

That’s some booty: 16.75%

If I have to do that one more time, I think I’ll kill myself: 0.097%

It’s not my turn to do laundry: 1.13%

This never would have happened if I hadn’t married this person: 37.62%

What a fascinating use of a seemingly dead trope: 0.00%

That white guy over there must have some money: 0.00087%

Everything around here is broken. Not some things still working, sort of, and other things not. What I mean is, everything, from the refrigerator light to the most basic social contract, is simply busted up and irreparable: 89.62%

How did that get there?: 0.017%

How many ME-109s were shot down by P-39 Airocobras, and why, since the Messerschmidt was a superior machine in every respect?: 0.0015%

That thing on your leg has to go: 0.057%

Next time, I’m voting for Clinton: 3.19%

Let me repeat what I had repeated earlier, with more volume: 19.85%

You should have listened to me last month: 6.57%

This is a comfy chair: 8.093%

They’ll get what they deserve: 4.15%

This will carve out my husband’s heart quite nicely: 0.46%

The disposal of the body could be problematic: 0.23%

Where’s the garlic?: 0.056%

I just remembered what I knew had forgotten, and now it’s too late: 0.0006%

The moon used to be larger: 7.42%

___________________< TOC