House-Demon Avoidance Made Simple

So you're thinking of moving: who doesn't? Whether you're buying or renting, keeping your old identity and taking a new job in an exciting new location, or starting all over again with fake IDs and diplomas, free from all those people who used to waste your time and make you feel like a pile of old leaves in the gutter waiting for a ride to the landfill in the township truck, you'll still need a place to live. We've prepared this simple guide of demon avoidance for all of you who are thinking of moving into a house. Apartments are different, and are covered in a separate, although in some respects similar, publication ($12.95).

First, basics. A house doesn't just start out possessed by demons. Not even when it's built over an Indian burial ground, despite what happens in the movies. Demons move in later, without really getting everybody's permission, like a roommate's boyfriend or girlfriend does, invariably. Demons do need an invitation of sorts, that is to say, somebody to leave the door open. They don't have a key, not at first, not any more than that person does (what was his name again?), the one who has usurped your shower time and helps himself to your good coffee in the morning.

There's not much use in pointing fingers and saying, "You (or your slug of a girlfriend who's always on the phone) let in a legion of HELL SPAWN. Get rid of them." That never works. If it did, we'd never be in this mess and wouldn't be forced to write this guide. The invitation, or open door, if you will, is hardly ever deliberate. Some people are just more likely to leave the keys in the car or the juice out on the counter. Others are prone to opening things and forgetting to close them. Nature doesn't like a vacuum. Bears like caves. A basement has bugs. There's always something that wants in. Don't even get us started on immigrants or the fall of the Roman Empire.

That's why the easiest way to live in a demon-free house is: DON'T MOVE INTO ONE! Do you eat bananas when they're black on the outside and gone to goo in the middle? Do you drink a glass of milk that smells rancid and has the consistency of cottage cheese? We hope not, because getting decent health care is tough enough already without idiots like you making things worse and clogging up the emergency rooms. Be advised: realtors aren't that forthcoming about previous occupants and what they might have let inside, so it's up to you to protect yourself with a few simple common-sense measures. You might try giving the commission-hungry agent who was late for her appointment $20 and sending her out to Dunkie D's so you can get some time alone in the place to feel things out. The signs are never certain or dramatic at the start. A hint of cold air can mean possession or poor insulation, both bad, in any case. Which way does the water spin when you flush the toilet? Anti-Coriolus effect revolution is another possible warning, although not a sure one. Maybe some drunk or junkie drove a car into the house, and knocked it off the level (we've found this prosaic explanation to be the case a number of times before). Feelings of deja-vu or nausea are also warning signals. You might have an undiagnosed brain disease, but moving into a HELL HIVE will just kill you quicker. Follow your old mine-exploration instincts and GET OUT when things feel wrong. Don't go back, not even for the doughnuts. We can't emphasize this first elementary point enough. GET OUT!

Once you've found a house that seems demon-free, keep those doors closed. Maybe you're with the spouse and family, none of whom has ever let anything in from the other side before, all of whom you adore, except when they're irritating. Think you're safe, don't you, acting like a normal American? Well think again! You're at high risk for a house full of supernatural malicious entities. Why? Because one portal they use, and one which too many people open, heedlessly, is left unguarded during and after the SEXUAL ACT. Let's avoid misunderstanding here: we're not prudes. It's not the sex that attracts them, it's the odor that goes along with it. Certain types of demons, unfortunately the types which are most frequently responsible for house possessions, have a keen sense of smell. Half a molecule of the old love juice is enough to get 500,000,000 of them sniffing around almost immediately, according to St. Thomas Aquinas. Latex and spermicide reduce the number slighty, or so the latest studies from Georgetown University claim, optimistically, in our judgement. No sex in the house. Keep it in motels by the freeway, take a shower, put on fresh clothes, and bury, don't burn, the soiled ones far from home. Never put them in a Goodwill drop-off bin.

Children are another, and let's hope, separate, problem. Martin Luther once threw his inkwell at a demon while writing a commentary on some stupid thing or other when he could have been reflecting on the old adage that children are the hostages of fortune and noting that they're simply DEMON MAGNETS once they turn eleven. Girls especially. We've never seen a home with a resident adolescent without its host of demons. Get them out of the house, the kids and the demons. Boarding school is an attractive option. If they must come home for the holidays, enroll them in a decent clinic, one with old brick buildings and a landscaped campus, one which keeps them drugged up, docile, and away from their Oujii boards and existentialist novels. Always keep the anti-sex advice above in mind, and don't let them invite friends over, ever.

Then there's the roommate question. Interview carefully, everybody is a potential carrier of one kind of HELLISH PLAGUE or another. Watch for levitating objects soon after the first introductions. This always happens just on the edge of your peripheral vision, so don't second-guess yourself. You DID see the doormat hovering above the floor. Check references in person when possible, except when the names are demonic anagrams, such as U. ZUZAP or Mr. ALAB or Herr Doktor CALOR MARIZ. Ask to see the potential roommates' inner right thigh, which might bear the mark of the BEAST, made of birthmarks/moles in the form of the Hyades. Be safe, be suspicious.

Beware of therapists and their peculiar modes of expression, unless you really want trouble. It's Swedenborgian DEMON TALK, only updated and slightly easier to pronounce. Hell has the cash to hire the best consultants and development teams, and therapy (and its lingo) is one of its most insidiously successful campaigns so far. We're not kidding about this one. Steer clear.

Got a computer on your desk? Make sure it's always off and don't get suckered into a sweet deal on a DSL hookup through your cable company. A computer is nothing but a DEMON BED AND BREAKFAST, and you're going to be the soft-boiled eggs. Wonder why the internet connection is slow? It's all the demon traffic. Use the phone as infrequently as possible. A demon colony could zip through the line in a nanosecond, and be bouncing around your kitchen like a lightning ball and busting up your collection of Spode blue and white transfer ware before you can say "wrong number." Throw out the microwave. We call those things DEMON INCUBATION CHAMBERS for good reason.

Let's suppose that you've taken all reasonable precautions, but the house has become possessed anyway, maybe through the mail. That can happen, too, more often than you might think. Don't move out just yet, there's still one procedure to try. Nail a fresh sprig of holly over every door and window, starting at sundown and with the front door. Throw three rocks over the roof, back to front. Re-enter the house after you hear chimes or bells, followed by a dog's howl. Repeat each night until all conditions are met. Your home should now be demon-free. Keep all visitors out for a week. Try to keep your thoughts on professional sports rather than ALL-GIRL BANDS.

There's one more point to consider, the most difficult of all. Ask yourself this: Have all the houses I've lived in been possessed? Are you the real source of the DEMON SCOURGE? Are you then moving on and letting the new residents deal with the clean-up? If you think you might be, you are, that's guaranteed, and maybe you should consider becoming a hermit, or moving to a really bad part of town, where your scummy neighbors are raising hell all the time. They won't even notice, and you'll probably get shot before too long.

We hope that you will find this guide useful. Remember that demon avoidance begins at home, and with you.






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