Burton's "Planet of the Apes" International Filthy-Monkey-Ass-Kicking Hit; London Premier Marred by Violence, Idiocy
August 15, 2001 (Reuters)
Yesterday's London premier of Tim Burton's latest film, "Planet of the Apes," put the movie back at the top of the list of top-grossing films worldwide. The movie had fallen to third place earlier in the week, after ruling the planet since its American opening on July 27. Queen Elizabeth II's exhortation that "England expects everyone to do his, or her, duty, and go see this magisterial monkey movie" was widely seen as influential in restoring it to its number one position.
The premier was attended by its director, Burton, and its stars, who held a brief press conference afterwards. They didn't behave themselves very well.
In his opening comments, Burton reflected on the film's international popularity, noting the "evolutionary, yet almost mystical, connection between men, monkeys, and money. In the culture of men," he said, "monkeys and money play extremely important roles. I looked around and saw lots of men, lots of money, and a comparative dearth of monkeys for these men, and of money for me. My movie is designed to redress these imbalances." When asked why he insisted on calling his version a "re-imagining" of the 1968 B-movie cult classic and merchandising extravaganza, rather than a remake, Burton was snarly and defensive. "They all complained when I insisted that the humans be able to speak. They asked, How could the apes deny that creatures who spoke lacked the capability to reason, or lacked immortal souls? In defense of my decision, I bring up an analogy from our world, namely, the Irish. They can talk, sort of, and nobody would consider them even remotely human."
Former beefcake underwear model Mark Wahlberg appeared troubled by Burton's statements, noting that he grew up in South Boston, a neighborhood traditionally associated with Irish immigrants. He added, "C'mere, Timmy boy, cuz me and my Southies will break your scrawny neck, you poser, eye-shadowed, Hollywood faggot!" Wahlberg was unable to carry out this threat after he drunkenly tripped over the diminutive Danny Elfman, composer of the film's score and Burton's rumored midget love-slave. The fall broke Wahlberg's nose and crushed Elfman, who was pronounced dead on arrival at a local hospital, to the reputed relief of music-lovers and the alleged dismay of midget love-slave activists everywhere.
Helena Bonham Carter, still in ape costume, announced, to a puzzled crowd and press corps, that Burton's and Walhberg's behavior was "ironic, in a way." She then apologized to queen and country for taking roles in both "Fight Club" and "Planet of the Apes," and for abandoning her perceived responsibilities to Kingdom and Commonwealth as a Merchant-Ivory feminine role-model. "I'm sorry that I've let down countless girls, and maybe more than a few boys, by loosening my whalebone corset, as it were, and running off, fancy-free, to America, the feckless land of smoothies and self-actualization through yoga." She also apologized to the planet's people of color for looking so much like a member of the Jackson family while wearing her ape make-up. The crowd was aghast when she announced her immediate retirement to a Carmelite nunnery and her intention to devote the rest of her life to what she termed "good works." "As part of my penance, I will wear this costume to my last breath, and beyond," she mumbled in closing.
Hollywood legend Charlton Heston, star of the 1968 "Apes" who makes a brief cameo appearance in the Burton version, railed against "subtling sophistries and creeping global enervation." Heston, who has frequently endured criticism for his support of the National Rifle Association, defended his decision to take a role as the dying father of the movie's militarist ape villain. "The critics have misread the part, as usual. It is the gun, and the right to bear and use it, that separates mankind from the ape." When asked by a member of the British press if he thought that the kingdom's restrictive gun laws made its subjects less than human, Heston chuckled and answered, "You can't make a monkey out of me, mister." Later, asked if the rigors of make-up application and Burton's notorious insistence on "ape school" for the actors were problematic for a performer of his age, Heston answered, "I am the absolute alpha male, the omega man, the shepherd of my flock, as you realize, but monkey school was difficult. They love to stimulate themselves, and I found that the simian regimen was, frankly, exhausting. You've got to respect those chimps for their stamina."
Luminous Amazon, Estella Warren, model and Canadian national champion in synchronized swimming, displayed a copy of her Oxford doctorate, causa honoris, recently awarded for her ground-breaking research in the Human Genome Project. In response to queries regarding her laughter-inducing, nearly monosyllabic performance in "Apes," she said, "So what? It supports my work behind the camera, for example, my documentary entitled "Ian Hamilton Finlay and the War of Little Sparta," which will be screened next week at the Tate." She also announced her intention to compete naked in the 2002 Olympics and vowed to "bring the gold back home to Canada while doubling Olympic television viewership."
Tim Roth was not in attendance. A spokesperson apologized, citing acute embarrassment and indigestion.
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